I haven’t dreamt much recently. I haven’t dreamt at all, to be honest. When it’s already too late to get a good night’s sleep a finally crawl into bed and wonder if it would matter if I woke up the next morning. I wake up, often late for work, seconds later. The hour long dreams that would take place during an inadvertent 20 minute nap have been replaced by a frightening silence. The idea that dreams have some greater meaning doesn’t hold much water with me but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a purpose. Dreams give us something to which we can aspire. They are literally the wildest dreams of our imagination. The things that would be impossible to conceive of in the plain buttoned down world become commonplace and our mind revels in the freedom to imagine.

I never dreamed about the past. In high school, I dreamt of great love, both emotional and physical. When Laura and I were together and happy, I imagined the future. I imagined the fights we’d have and I imagined the nights when we’d gaze into each other’s eyes and drift to sleep smiling. Everything had a saccharine veneer but it was never cloying. Being in a real relationship made me realize not only that the slow motion montages prevalent in romantic comedies were unrealistic, but also that they were undesirable. Those moments would pale in comparison to just sitting around making fun of bad movies together, or laughing at dead baby jokes. It’s absolutely horrific, absolutely despicable, and absolutely endearing.

Whatever it is that we imagine in dreams is random. Sometimes, it’s our last thought of the night twisted by the random impulses surging through our brain as REM sleep drives us further into our subconscious imagination. It can be a fantasy world, with action and adventure. And it can be a canvas on which the problems of the real world are painted. Beyond the fact that some of my most vibrant and original ideas come from that precious dream scape, what’s so depressing about my dreamless summer is what it could mean. To me, dreams have always represented the elusive possibilities of the future. In that undiscovered country of the future, anything could happen. Love could be lost, love could be won. Dreams were always a way for me to see the future as I would like it.

This lack of dreaming is not contentment, it’s resignation.