Ever since I heard it paraphrased in Mallrats, I’ve enjoyed the seminal essay on Superman’s sexual proclivities, ‘Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex’ by Larry Niven, but it seems to me that there’s a fatal flaw in it. OK, it’s not so much a fatal flaw as it is a minor quibble that I wish to contend. Early on, it is claimed that Superman is likely a virgin, but that is only valid if a) Superman’s sexual climax is unfathomably strong and b) sexual climax is a wholly uncontrollable event.

Sure, sex is powerful, and if Sex and the City taught me anything it’s that sexual climax can have unintended side-effects but even plain men have the ability to rein in their orgasms. Superman can lift massive Manhattan-sized crystal formations off the planet, but also manages to get by during the work hours operating at a minute fraction of his full potential. Is it completely unrealistic that Superman could restrain himself?

The initial point is made that orgasms are involuntary muscular reactions, which is true to an extent but there are controls that can be placed on those things. Kegel exercises and tantric sex are two examples of control over one’s orgasm that men can exercise, there’s no reason to believe that Superman would be unsuccessful in adopting them, and indeed his superdense muscular structure would likely make him more capable or such control.

But even if his orgasms are truly epic, such that they overwhelm his traditional power control techniques, that doesn’t mean he couldn’t ever have sex. It just means he wouldn’t be able to climax in the woman. With his superspeed he could in a split second move a safe distance away, orgasm, and then return with a feigned orgasm for his lover’s sake. Or maybe he blasts his load into a complex series of momentum reducing pipes he leaves set up near his bed that allow his sperm to attain a more human speed, maybe he’d go finish himself off on the moon, or maybe he goes and beats off to Kryptonian porn — I don’t know why Jor-El or Lara Lor-Van hooked him up with porn, maybe parents are more open about their sexuality in Kryptonian culture — at his Fortress of Solitude, but before he does that, he gets some pussy.

I think I’ve made my point.